Don’t hurt me. But I don’t like Halloween.
I wore the same witch costume for a good seven years. There was a kid in high school that made a Megazord costume out of cardboard with speakers built in. Willy Wonka had dozens of Oompa Loompas running around campus. Thing 1 and Thing 2. I think the most elaborate costume I ever made was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. So much red glitter. Glitter in my ears for months.
In college, Halloween was stupid (stupid!) because the sorority hussies slutified Strawberry Shortcake, Alice, nurses, traffic cones, piles of poop. And there was no point in trick-or-treating because I had turned 18 and that’s usually when the fun stops, right?
Maybe it’s because I never had a candied apple back in Hawai’i. I’ve never even bobbed for an apple. But with the influx of Granny Smiths, Macouns, Pink Ladies, and Whateveritis because of that apple picking triple date a few weeks ago, I made me some chutney.
Some spicy, chunky, spreadable, awesome chutney.
Chutney is better than jam. Yeah, I said it.
My roommate once yelled at me for trying to pull off Marilyn Monroe. She said that I have to pick costumes that match my ethnicity. So I was Pocahontas the next year.
Habañero chutney. Yeah. Watch out.
This is fantastic. All I had to do was throw everything into a pot. Witch’s brew.
Apple Habañero Chutney.
1lb apples (about 6 medium-sized), peeled, cored, and chopped
1 diced onion
1 diced habañero (or jalapeño)
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon minced ginger
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground mustard
1/4 teaspoon cloves
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Throw all ingredients into a large pot and bring to a boil, reducing the heat to simmer for an hour to an hour and a half, until the apples are fully reduced and the liquid is thick.
Makes about 5 cups of chutney.