Citrus and Honey Curd

When the Boston Symphony Orchestra is five minutes into Igor Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring, and your eyes are closed and fingers silently conducting multiple time signatures that you’re mostly making up, and you’re totally imagining dinosaurs, and a loud beep comes over the speakers and the lights turn on and the hallway emergency lights are flashing and…

And the entire audience and musicians are evacuated into the cold evening?

And you go home as the dinosaurs in your head are going extinct?

And you’re forced to listen to the rest of the piece with headphones and pajamas?

Yeah.  That happened.

I’d like to think that an usher was so appalled by the piece that he set off the alarm to prevent further dinosaur imagery.  Paris, 1913 style.  Not that there were dinosaurs in 1913.  Because there weren’t.  Only angry Parisians.

What’s in a curd?  Traditionally, it’s milk and vinegar or lemon juice.  Coagulated. Cottage cheese is a type of curd.

This is a citrus and honey curd.  Made with butter.

Citruses are flying off the shelves this season.  Sales galore.

My high school has a carnival every year with a Jams and Jellies stand.  Lilikoi butter and mango chutney are the best sellers.  Little did I know how easy both of those are to make at home.

This’ll keep for a couple of weeks in a tight container in the fridge.

Why, is that Carrot Bread that I see?  Yes!  Yes, it is!  And it’s delicious, you say?  Omg, yeah.

Citrus and Honey Curd.

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into cubes
2/3 cup citrus juice (anything your heart desires, or anything that’s on sale)
1 tablespoon citrus zest, plus more for garnishing
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons honey
5 large egg yolks
1 large egg

Bring an inch of water to a boil in a small pot.

In a heat-proof bowl, whisk together the citrus juice, zest, honey, and eggs over the boiling hot water (poor man’s double broiler).  Whisk continuously for about 5-10 minutes, until the curd thickens to a “mayonnaise” consistency.

Remove the curd from the heat and whisk in the butter until it’s totally melted.  Sieve through a wire strainer in a medium bowl.  Divvy out into ramekins and immediately press plastic wrap over the top to prevent a skin from forming.

Cool for at least 3 hours in the refrigerator.

Makes about 2 cups.

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Apple Habañero Chutney

Don’t hurt me.  But I don’t like Halloween.

I wore the same witch costume for a good seven years.  There was a kid in high school that made a Megazord costume out of cardboard with speakers built in.  Willy Wonka had dozens of Oompa Loompas running around campus.  Thing 1 and Thing 2.  I think the most elaborate costume I ever made was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.  So much red glitter.  Glitter in my ears for months.

In college, Halloween was stupid (stupid!) because the sorority hussies slutified Strawberry Shortcake, Alice, nurses, traffic cones, piles of poop.  And there was no point in trick-or-treating because I had turned 18 and that’s usually when the fun stops,  right?

Maybe it’s because I never had a candied apple back in Hawai’i.  I’ve never even bobbed for an apple.  But with the influx of Granny Smiths, Macouns, Pink Ladies, and Whateveritis because of that apple picking triple date a few weeks ago, I made me some chutney.

Some spicy, chunky, spreadable, awesome chutney.

Chutney is better than jam.  Yeah, I said it.

My roommate once yelled at me for trying to pull off Marilyn Monroe.  She said that I have to pick costumes that match my ethnicity.  So I was Pocahontas the next year.

 Oh.  About the apples.  I used any and all kinds.  People say to stick with the sour ones for cooking, but for a chutney I vote that anything goes.

Habañero chutney.  Yeah.  Watch out.

This is fantastic.  All I had to do was throw everything into a pot.  Witch’s brew.

Apple Habañero Chutney.

1lb apples (about 6 medium-sized), peeled, cored, and chopped
1 diced onion
1 diced habañero (or jalapeño)
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon minced ginger
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground mustard
1/4 teaspoon cloves
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Throw all ingredients into a large pot and bring to a boil, reducing the heat to simmer for an hour to an hour and a half, until the apples are fully reduced and the liquid is thick.

Makes about 5 cups of chutney.